Student In The City

A lot has changed since high school. I guess some of me still wishes that i could go back and live those days again. All my worries seemed so minuscule. Though at the time they always felt so important. High school wasn't smooth, but out of it i found my soul mate. I feel so grateful to have something so sure and steady in my life.     Since year 11, I have changed my mind on a career and changed it again and again. The expectations people have on children, teenagers and young adults to know what they want to do in life is too great. And personally i think these expectations can be damaging. Would i do anything different?     No.    I want to live a life never regretting anything. But recently i (deep breath) think I've been too hard on myself. I've possibly expected too much of myself.    Its summer. I'm working full time, five days a week. I'm having to save up enough money to afford my next year at university. It's an office job, working in a central invoicing team and even though I'm feeling very lucky that i actually enjoy what I'm doing (I loved math in school). I HATE being stuck inside all day and sat down. I have always been the outdoors, on the go type. I have never seen myself working in an office and i still don’t. But this is temporary.     Seeing as uni have decided to up the fees for my last year, earning money has taken all my focus away from the things i want and love doing. Making music, blogging, spending time with friends, teaching and being creative.     I mean don’t get me wrong I'm still managing to find time to do some of these things. But not as much time as I'd like. I've had to put on hold my Saturday ukulele classes. I haven’t picked up my guitar in a long time. I have had my summer taken away from me. The last summer i think i’ll have.    I've been feeling down because I've been lacking on the fitness front. Again don’t get me wrong, I still run and work out and try to eat healthy the majority of the time. But i want to keeping progressing, because i know i can. This slump is horrible.     What i really want to get off my chest is I'm battling with low self esteem. Not feeling good enough. I had a really rough patch with it in my first year at uni when i realised that there are so many songwriters and musicians out there trying to do exactly the same thing as i was. It scared the shit out of me. It actually made me more or less give up on the idea that i could "make it" in the music industry. Do i regret this?     No.     That rough patch made me open doors to completely new things. It made me realise my love and understanding for the need of everyone having access to a decent education in music. I found different ways to be creative, through blogging, photography and modelling. Its opened up my eyes to a possibility that i don't just have to choose one career. one job to do for the rest of my like. And unlike what the majority of adults said growing up, I don't just want to settle on one path. I know i can do more. I want to do so much more.     However, getting back to my original point, i am spreading myself too thin. I haven't got the time and energy to do everything i want to do. I am feeling the pressure of being able to survive in the big bad world, I’m worried about how the hell i will afford a mortgage. Let alone ever afford insurance for a car.    It comes down to wanting to earn money for these things and i still wanting to be me. I still want to enjoy whatever i do, the way i do it. I'm gonna tell you my favourite word. A word i usually live to.   Balance.     Its everything. In everything. I have always been pretty good at finding that balance, whether that be in work, fitness, food, generally living a healthy and happy lifestyle. So it’s strange for me to be in place where finding that balance has been difficult.   It's only been three weeks working full time, but i still haven’t quite managed to find a good balance. But i know it’s not going to be impossible. I will eventually get there. And I guess in the meantime i have to embrace the difficulty, maybe i will get something better out of it.     However this pressure i’m putting on myself is sucking the fun and joy out of the things i love. That has to stop. I’m a great believer of things happen for a reason. But does there even have to be a reason this time? Should i just roll with what i have and feel lucky.   This is something i’m still pondering about.    So, I leave with some advice…    In life, never regret. But take some time once in while to remember. To reflect.   -    Photography by Alexander Ward  https://www.instagram.com/ruggedwisdom/

You know when you put something off for so long, even if you want to start it or give it a go again you just can't. Well that's what happened with all of my work.

I tried. I did really try.

I made myself get up early and go to the library or a cafe but nothing. I tried staying up late to do it in the dead of night but nothing. Before I knew it I had just over one month left of uni and the majority of my assignments were due in in that period and with that along came several breakdowns. 


Once the majority of my essays were submitted the last thing I had to do was a composition portfolio, which meant i couldn't do the work at home, i had to go into uni to use their computers to do it. There were nights where i'd be leaving Manchester after 12 am (it takes just over an hour to get home by bus/walking).  It was exhausting and took its toll on me. 

However, one upside to having to go into uni to do the work, was that i was around people who were going through the same thing. It helped with my motivation, but also helped mentally having some friends around to laugh and talk to. 









My Tips (to you and to myself):

We can all have moments where we want to quit. Moments where the stress and anxiety gets all too much to handle. But life and everything that comes with it, the good, the bad... It's all worth it.

October will be here before I know it.

But I know now, I can handle even the hardest of moments, as I'm sure there are many more to come.

> Insert "vegan" cheese here

I'm going to end this post with saying... We can do it.